Losing Me. Losing you. Losing everything.

Its been too long since I put myself on paper..or print. Its been a while since I shot a photograph that said exactly what I was feeling at that moment. Its been a while since I've been me. Five years ago I made a phone call that would change my life completely. I was fresh out of collage not a fucking clue as to where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. For the 4.5 years I lived in Austin I learned to be me, took care of myself made all the decisions for myself, myself myself all by myself. I was done with it. I felt deeply in my heart that I no longer wanted to be bymyself. I leaped. I chose mountains and snow amongst the lake beside the peak surrounded by the pine. I chose him. I chose love, life and happiness. I leaped. I fell. Fell Hard. 5 Years, it took me to let him in. 5 years it took me to allow myself to love unconditionally. 5 years before I allowed myself to believe I was worthy of love and happiness. 5 years it took me to convince myself that life was not the fucked up version of a fucked up broken home version of my childhood. It wasnt alcoholics beating down the doors. It wasn't a daily routine of anxiety and distress. It wasn't dangerous and it wasnt shameful. It was real. He was real. He was here for me. My soulmate. He made me believe. Today I struggle with finding the words, i've not used complete words in so long. I've not checked my spelling and cared about my grammar. I'm empty. My world is gone. I gave my self away, my body, my soul my future, my past it was all His. All ours. And its the only way I ever wanted it to be. For once, I wasn't alone, I was never going to be alone. Every step I would take would be with him. I let him in. Some days I'd sit and glance over at him, my entire body went numb. I had at least one of those moments each day. I'd think to myself I love him, every part of him, every angry, annoying, sad, happy humorous part. He had changed, we had changed we were safe, we were ready for it all. I couldnt wait. It was the most frightening feeling, I was his, he was mine. Sometimes I felt selfish. I wanted to keep that moment forever, just me and him. Its only been a few days without the feeling. I can't even look at him. I feel like ive just watched the love of my life die in my arms. Sure he's here, sure he's alive and well, as well as one can be...but to me he's gone. I mourn him every minute of every day. My body hurts, my arms mostly. I need peace, but I'm drowning. I want to hold on, i remember the 16 year old version of me and how terrible my life became after I lost it. I can't focus. I hate to sleep, I can't escape this pain. My nightmares are no longer worse than my reality. I wake up and wish I could go back the horrid fantasy I was so desperately trying to get away from. He's gone. I'm alone again. I can't decide which would be better, him gone and really leaving me alone or him here where I can see him, hear him, smell him, hate him. I'm gone. I've been told to focus on my dreams. I can't think of one single dream that doesn't include him. He was my new life. How do I let that go? Then I think of why this happened. I have to remind myself that everything I felt for him, wasnt the way he felt for me. There is life with out me in his eyes. He is not dead with out me. He had already let me go when he did what he did. He had already put Us on the line. He hadnt cared about me. He doesnt care, not the way I do. He made me believe him.